i'll never lose my voice

blackcliffs:

I got a bunch of picture frames for Christmas and just got around to hanging two up in my room. I have been thinking about what pictures to put in them. Yesterday was 1 month since my grandma died and I still have this purple rose that I took from one of the flower arrangements at the funeral sitting in water on my dresser. It’s been dead and dried up for a while but I never moved it. The petals are so beautiful. They are yellow near the stem, then fade out to this brilliant deep purple color. I didn’t want to throw it out. I took the dried leaves and pressed them into one frame, and took the dried petals and pressed them in the other. So this way I can look at them everyday and smile at how beautiful it looks, and remember my grandma. It’s still so weird for me to go over to see my grandpa often, and not see her there. It’s like something’s off balance. There’s not supposed to be only 1 little bed in the middle of a big bedroom, only half the closet space used, only 1 plate set out for breakfast, and a cemetery marker with her name on it. I wish it never happened. I wish she was still here because I don’t want to have to listen to my grandpa telling me how much he loved her and how he misses her and how he wishes she would just come back and how he wonders if she really, really sees us and if she knows when he goes to visit her body every single day multiple times. I don’t want him to have to think about what he’s going to do when he goes back to their other house in South Carolina for a while. I don’t want to see him cry or hug him at the cemetery or ask him how he’s feeling and his reply always be “blue”. I don’t want to come to terms with the fact that we’ll never see her again. I wish we had more time. I always say that, and I’ll probably say it a thousand more times in my life. But I really, really do.